Coparenting that works

Yesterday, I introduced you to Lora who left her 18-year marriage at the age of 40. With two girls, aged five and nine at the time, I wanted to know what impact the divorce had had on them. Lora explained that she and her ex had agreed they would stay within 20 miles of each other and that decision had kept them both actively involved. Then she got talking about why their marriage had ended and what else made their co parenting work. Here’s Lora …

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My divorce is weird because it’s hard to put a finger on why I left and why I had to leave. I don’t have a single regret, there was no big reason, it was more just flat and dead for me, but it wasn’t for him.

I chose him at a time when I was really broken. I’d been going to counseling twice a week for two years and with hindsight, I was just developmentally not ready to be married at 22. He’s the most loyal, kind, generous, great individual but now, I just wouldn’t have chosen him.

He has a very limited degree of intimacy. I think there’s terror around relationships. At one point he said, “Why do I have to understand you? Why can’t we live next to each other.” He’s a bit of a workaholic and I don’t think he knows how to back off that. So in the marriage I felt very lonely. I think he’s learning how to communicate better but there were a couple of times when he hit a wall or something. He NEVER hit me or hurt me but he would get so frustrated trying to stop me talking. He wasn’t willing to learn to communicate or go to counselors until I wanted a divorce and by then it was too late.

Leaving was not easy. It’s really tough with kids. There’s the whole societal you shouldn’t leave because of the kids and that was his biggest thing – how can you do this to the kids?

Yet, I think my girls have fared fine because we’ve been amicable and because he never took anything out through them. My youngest was five when we split up and if she didn’t want to spend the night with him, he didn’t take it personally, he said, “You need your mommy.” He was so understanding and I feel that we have that kind of relationship.

The only time we had trouble was the first two years. I was devastated, he was devastated but he was devastated in a way he couldn’t even look at me. He couldn’t be around me and I understood that, so I gave him lots of space. In the beginning, if he was at a piano recital, I couldn’t be there. It was too hard for him and I wanted the kids to have him in their lives, so I would leave. Now, nine years out, we can be in the same room together. I never would have expected it to be like this now but my daughter just had a surprise party and we were both there, laughing about things.

If he’s having a hard week, I’ll take his laundry to the Laundromat and make his dinner and leave. I don’t ever eat with him – he wouldn’t want that but I make him dinner because that’s what we do. That’s what co-parenting is about.

Some people say it’s not healthy but I think it’s not healthy if we’re not letting go and not moving on, if there’s some sort of fuzziness. If there are clear boundaries and you’re there to help each other, that’s part of co-parenting. My girls can see that we can see that there is still love there. That’s why they’ve fared well.

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When I was considering divorce, I did wonder if I could stick it out the eight years or so until our children were in college. It wasn’t a difficult decision – my body just screamed “no.” I knew I was already withdrawing into a shell and I couldn’t conceive what another eight years would do to me – there was no way I wanted to be approaching my sixties as a bitter, unhappy, old woman.

I’m glad I made the decision I did. Like Kristen, I think it’s wrong to stay married for the sake of the children.

What I love too about Lora’s story here, is the conscious decision she made early on that she wanted her ex involved in the lives of their children and that she was willing to compromise to facilitate that. I’m convinced that those decisions early on are a big reason why their children have coped well with their parents’ breakup.

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