This Marriage Is Not Going to Make it

November 17, 2011 By Mandy

Like many of us, Andrea wasn’t ready to see the red flags that her marriage wasn’t working. She thought her husband was the perfect match and with three young children, one of whom was autistic, she had her plate full being the perfect stay-at-home-mom. She sensed there were problems with her marriage but it wasn’t until her daughter was placed into care, that the reality started to dawn on her. Here’s Andrea:

I think the Autism sort of covered what was going on for a long time.

At some point my mom started to not like my husband, so I had to choose a side, and of course I chose my husband. I said to her,

“You can’t come to my house and stir things up. This is my family, this is my choice and you don’t get to come up here and make comments about my husband.”

She was saying things but I couldn’t take them because I felt it was an insult to my family. I couldn’t even see what he was doing because I was so—what the counselor called at the time “in survival mode.” I was just getting from day to day.

I didn’t miss a beat with my kids. They did swim team, they did dive team, they took voice lessons, they took piano, they went to German school on Saturdays, we missed nothing. I was not going to let Autism keep my other two kids from having a life, so it’s not like anybody in the house was suffering.My husband was still doing all of his athletics, he still did his business trip stuff. It was me, really, that ended up bearing the burden of it all and what I kept telling myself was,

“I want my children to have an intact family with a mom and a dad and I can fix that later.”

Well after my daughter went into care and my mom was gone and I start thinking,

“Life is short, what’s going on here?” and I said to him,

“This marriage isn’t working for me. I’m not happy, you need to make some changes. This isn’t working for me.”

He would listen to everything I said and then he would just nod and go “okay.” Sometimes he would make an effort and sometimes he wouldn’t. My biggest complaint was that I never, ever got to sleep in. Not only did he never get up with the kids at night, he never got up with them in the morning and I was exhausted. He would say “you can sleep in on Saturday, you can sleep in on Sunday” and then it was always “the worst possible time” just like it was when I wanted him to go to marriage counseling.

We’d make appointments, the counselor would make appointments, and he would always say “it’s the worst possible time,” something would always come up and things were getting worse. We hadn’t slept together. There was no intimacy in the marriage whatsoever, not sexual, not sharing of hopes or dreams or unhappiness, no support, no nothing. We didn’t go out to dinner, we didn’t have any shared activities, we were just roommates that slept in the same bed.

This went on for a while and then I realized probably a year and a half before I left that it was bad enough that my marriage wasn’t going to make it, it just was not. He was doing things socially that were embarrassing me. He would meet someone and he would know them for five minutes and he would say “what do you do for a living?” and they’d say “oh, I’m a stockbroker” or something and he’d say “oh, how much do you make a year? How much did you pay for your car? How much did you pay for your house?” He just didn’t know any social boundaries, he would say anything. He would get in arguments with people, he was just constantly embarrassing people.

I just got to where I didn’t want to be around him anymore. I got to where I didn’t want to go anywhere with him, I didn’t want to hear anything he had to say. Then he started being worried about money and he had never had a problem with me spending money. We weren’t rich, but we didn’t have any money issues. We had our bills, we lived within our means and we were fine. We had a gardener, we had a housekeeper that came every two weeks, I stayed at home, we belonged to a country club, we had a nice life.

All of a sudden he stopped putting money into the joint account. My name wasn’t on little things like when we got a new car, my name wasn’t on it. When I went to the video store one day, my name wasn’t on the account anymore, it was his name. My name wasn’t on anything, and I knew what was going on, but I didn’t really know how to bring it up because I felt like I had bigger issues.

I knew that things were changing.

Andrea’s counselor was right – you put up with a lot when you’re in survival mode and it isn’t always a deliberate, intentional choice. Deep down you know things aren’t right but you can’t or don’t want to make talking about that a priority. Sometimes that’s a conflict avoidance tactic – if you avoid the discussion and work around the issue, it keeps the marriage in tact and you’re keeping your wedding vows, yes? You’re hanging on to that vision of the perfect family.

Then something happens that changes the balance and brings a new perspective. For Andrea, it was no longer having the demands of taking care of her daughter. For me, it was approaching fifty, realizing my life was more than half over and knowing I couldn’t live the rest of life going through the motions. Then, some of us choose change.

Discovering your name is no longer on accounts is a definite red flag and a sure sign that you need to start protecting yourself … changing your passwords, getting your own back account, getting your own credit card, pulling your credit account …

Photo credit: jmgasalla

http://gailstorey.com GailDStorey

What a valuable forum you’ve created in this blog, Mandy, for people to share their experiences and feel supported. I especially like the perspective you add at the end of this post.

http://sincemydivorce.com Mandy Walker

Thank you, Gail! Always love getting positive feedback.

Katy

I was going through divorce with my husband. It was hard at first, i did not know what will i do in the future, how would i support myself, but found this book that explained everything nicely. I am happy that i bought it, because now i have received my part of a divorce and can continue to overcome my life barriers. Sure it is very sad, but i hope for the best.
You can find this book at http://bit.ly/slKZ7X
Sumant

Mandy,

I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t missing something in Andrea’s story so far – was
there any physical or psychological abuse invloved ? And what were the red flags her
mother saw ?

Sure, there was a lack of physical and emotional intimacy in the marriage, and a husband who could, on occasions, be socially embarrasing and uncooperative. But, at the cost of an unfavourable comparison, let me ask if it comes anywhere close to what Lisa had to go through during the final years of her marriage ? Or any shocking revelations that shattered the trust built up over many years of marriage and togetherness ? I think not.

And by her own admission, Andrea married to fulfill her wants – “It was important to me that when I got married, I had children. For me, that was the ONLY REASON I was getting married. I DIDN’T FEEL A NEED TO BE MARRIED.” And she wanted a provider who could give her children the life she wanted for them – “I wanted to have a family and I was really traditional in the sense that children have both a mother and a father.” (All emphasis mine.)

Other things about Andrea’s story too, but I think you get my drift, Mandy. My point is only this – I have been following your blog for more than a year now, and as a man it has been an eye-opener for me. Some of the stories you have taken the trouble of bringing forth, have been quite harrowing in what women have had to endure, both during their marriage, and later during the divorce proceedings. Some stories have brought shame to me as a man and have taught me several things I shall keep in mind if I ever get married. And one thing I found quite consitently of you – both in the summing up stories you have brought forth and also in the narratives of your own life, is your candour and sense of fairness and balance. But in this instance, I have struggled to put my finger on why the man alone should be blamed.

Andrea has every right to move on from a marriage that has, atleast partially, fulfilled some of what she had hoped it would, and to seek greater fulfillment in her life in other pursuits. No one can contest that. But let’s also acknowledge the fact that the instituion of marriage may not have held the same importance for her that it does for several other women. To put it very bluntly, it was an arrangement. And no self-respecting man would want to be a part of such an arrangement either. Yes, he’ll still love his children since children have a right to all the love that a parent can give and deserve a very thoughtful upringing, but any man with even an ounce of self-respect would find such an arrangement, in the garb of marriage, insulting.

Dismiss me as a chauvinist if you will, Mandy, but in this particular instance – and ONLY in this instance so far – blaming the man alone for the breakup of the marriage doesn’t feel right.

Take care, Mandy, and I hope you’ve been having a good weekend.

Regards,Sumant.

http://sincemydivorce.com Mandy Walker

I don’t dismiss you Sumant – your comments are always well-reasoned. In this case, I would ask that you hold your thoughts and conclusions and keep following Andrea’s story.

The people around us often see red flags before we’re willing to acknowledge them. Andrea and I didn’t talk about what her mother saw but in the next couple of segments there are clues as to what she may have seen.

BTW – Finished Atonement and loved it. I thought it was slow to start but then completely engrossing, very visual portrayal of the retreat of British troops to Dunkirk. McEwan masterfully blurs the line between fiction and reality and by the end I was wanting to go back to the beginning to re-read. Thanks for the recommendation.

Sumant Balakrishnan

I note that, Mandy. I realize these aren’t just stories but painful experiences in people’s lives that shatter the dreams and expectations they had when they married.

This particular instance felt very different and I’ve detailed why I felt that way. I’ve noted what you’ve said and won’t labour the point.
The slow start of “Atonement” is something it shares with “Sophie’s Choice”, isn’t it, Mandy ? Nothing happens there either for the first 70-odd pages. But anyone who skips the start will never be able to see Sophie’s and Nathan’s world the way the author/narrator does. I think McEwan was trying to re-live his childhood ambitions of becoming an author through Briony Tallis’ character, in those first few pages.
Glad you liked the book and it’s funny your reactions are identical to what I felt after reading it. I too have marked it out for a re-read. There’s so much that McEwan can say in a single sentence, partiuclarly in those instances when nothing seemingly “happens”.

Take care, Mandy.

Regards,Sumant.

andrea

oh sumant, sumant, sumant. she is going to get to what FINALLY drove me to leave. i’m so glad you don’t see it coming, because then you will feel the full force of it the same way i did. Andrea

http://sincemydivorce.com Mandy Walker
Sumant

Noted, Andrea. I wasn’t trying to make a point for the sake of making it. You went
into marriage with very clear expectations. And I hope you don’t mind me saying you
were only trying to fulfill some very vital evolutionary needs that are entirely
natural to a woman – shaped by Nature, not by herself. I only wanted to make sure this wasn’t an instance of “needs-fulfilled-now-move-on”, portrayed as an instance of a woman being wronged by her husband.

I’ve noted what you’ve said and won’t say anything more on the subject till I’ve read more.

Regards,Sumant.

andrea

honestly, i think your suggestion that “marriage didn’t mean as much” to me is probably right. one of the best things i’m now getting from my group therapy is the way OTHERS see my situation. your comments don’t offend me, i appreciate them! we’re all here to learn, right?
regards :

Sumant

Andrea,

My comments were never meant to offend. Let me be very, very clear about that. The dissolution of marriage was a very REAL thing for you. It wasn’t just a narrative. And I’ve tried my best to appreciate that.

And you have every right to set your expectations from a marriage. Stripped of it’s social mores, the institution fulfills an evolutionary purpose and that fact is instinctively felt much more by women than by us men. One only needs to look at the animal kingdom, insects in particular, for a confirmation of that fact. In the interests of politenes, and the security and stability that the institution of marriage provides her and her children, a woman will not usually state it in so many words. And that’s where your frankness differed.

My only contention was that the facts be seen for what they were, and a sense of fairness prevail with regard to how you ex is portrayed. I have no issues whatsoever with regard to your wants from your marriage. Like I’ve said thy’re entirely natural in a woman. But it is quite possible that those wants, once fulfilled, may have coloured your perception of your ex and the need to continue with your marriage.

And that really was my only point.

A man like me has learnt a lot from Mandy’s blog here. But far more importantly,one can see from the Comments section in many of Mandy’s posts that several women have received real material help (legalities involved in divorce proceedings, handling finances etc.) and emotional succour from her posts here. And that really is where this blog has made a very real difference to many women.

Thanks for your frank responses, Andrea. Appreciate them. And I hope you have a very good day ahead.

Regards,Sumant.