Divorce is an upheaval on its own. The changes and uncertainty are emotionally draining not to mention renegotiating your relationship with your STBX and guiding your children through the transition. However, life has a way of throwing multiple challenges to us at the same time and if you’re dealing with divorce you may also find yourself being dealt with another major life event at the same time.
That’s what happened to my current guest, Stacey. Here’s Stacey:
When I got divorced, it was like a tidal wave of stuff. I hit menopause, my mother died. I became allergic to hair dye. I was like, “That’s not fair.”
It was such a crazy year. It was easier than the hot flashes that were happening years before that because those were sort of evening out. The mom death was hard. Then in the divorce recovery group what made me so sad was feeling like I wasn’t sexually attractive, that that part of my life was over.
I had a really great girlfriend who was willing to giggle with me over the craziness of trying to date again and I read funny books that friends gave me. They gave me The Rules, and also I got the book about Mars and Venus On a Date, because I didn’t understand this. I hadn’t dated in twenty years and I didn’t really think of myself as attractive.
My girlfriend is quite attractive and she’s very funny. She just approaches men differently than I do and she was like, “Babe, it’s all a numbers game.” Once I started to understand that, I started to think, “I have to up my numbers.”
We’re so lucky to have a lot of dancing here and I love to dance, so I did a lot of things where I would dance.
I went out with one guy a few times and then it started to get more intimate, because that’s what guys want and I kept waiting to see if I would like him. I didn’t know. Now I’m like, you either know or you don’t know and it happens right away. But I was like, “It’s not too bad,” and then it started to get hot and heavy and it happens really a lot quicker than I was expecting, and then it was clear to me that I didn’t want to be dating this person. It wasn’t going to get any better.
I did online dating and I also thought that that was the only way that that was going to happen. The process of online dating with the written communications just wasn’t my style. I felt like, “This isn’t how I communicate with people.” But I did end up going out with people.
I didn’t know the wisdom which I’d like to give to women that online dating is great. It helps to get up your numbers. Through my divorce group, I met a person that just did a lot of online dating. He was really methodical and it was great to know that he took a bunch of them out and talked to a bunch of people. I thought, “OK, I could try that.” I think that it gave me a great attitude about not taking it so seriously.
And the wardrobe! As I’ve been dating, I’ve slipped back and forth to about wearing short skirts. That’s part of being fifty that I like – if I’m not going to wear things that are sexy now, when am I going to do it?
So, I’m more playful now, like, “I could try that,” and maybe not, because I’m reserved. What I would wear that I would consider would be hot, other people would think maybe not.
I still I feel a little bit still judged by my decision to be grey, but not by all men, just by some. I think in online dating it didn’t help, but maybe it didn’t matter. I still feel that if fillers where the same price as Maybelline, I’d be lining up for them.
I think my strong suit is that I’m animated.
A friend offered me, “Don’t expect the first kiss to be good.” I was glad for the advice because I didn’t have the dating experience that she had. I didn’t know. It was good to know, that it just might be that the second kiss might be a lot better.
My interview with Stacey was one of the few interviews I’ve done in person face-to-face. Stacey may be unsure of her grey hair but I can tell you it’s beautiful, looks classy and definitely suits Stacey’s personality. The difference between Stacey’s perception of herself and my perception of her reminds me of this Dove video that a friend of my daughter’s shared with me:
Are you being more critical of yourself than others are? How do you think others would describe your smile, your eyes, your nose? Could you embrace their description?
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