Fit4Love: Unconditional Self Acceptance

I thought I would be writing just one post about my Fit4Love Coaching Program with Sheila Paxton but if I squeezed this week’s coaching session into one post, I wouldn’t be doing it justice. I also think that the flirting assignment is essentially happy, this one is more serious and more emotional.

My online assignment this week was to identify the positive and negative characteristics of my ex and other previous relationships. Then Sheila asked me what I had learned from the exercise.

First, I had to remind myself that this wasn’t a graded assignment and that the goal wasn’t to get an A but I already know what this says about me

It was much easier to list all the negatives about my ex than to come up with positives. I wished it wasn’t so but she reassured me that this was typical. I guess if it was the other way round, we might still be married.

I also told Sheila that since the relationships before my marriage were all from twenty years ago it was hard for me to separate fact from wishful thinking so I responded to question more along the lines of what positive characteristics would I wish for. It’s not a graded assignment so it’s OK to reword the questions!

We got into a discussion about how much of my ex’s negative characteristics were in response to my own behavior, mainly around the whole area of communication. Again, no right or wrong answer here except to realize that partners do feed off each other and it can lead to a downward spiral. The take away is to recognize when that starts happening and to work to break the cycle.

Then Sheila asked me what was I holding onto from my marriage. I’m not sure if something I said prompted this or if it’s a standard question but I knew the answer: I haven’t forgiven myself for our divorce. It was something Carlos and I had talked about and I had said then how I have struggled with this.

Somewhere along the way, I felt it was pointless sharing my true feelings with my husband because when I started a conversation he would turn it around to be about him. So I stopped communicating. Then when it got so I could no longer stay married and found the courage to tell him I needed to end our marriage, it was too late for him, for us, to do anything to rescue our relationship. I keep wondering what would have happened if I’d spoken up sooner or louder. Was I honest with him? Was I honest with myself?

I still blame myself that our marriage didn’t last. Much of that comes from being a “responsible person.” I could go back to my school report cards (and yes, I do still have them!) and find praise from teachers for being “responsible.” Growing up, my parents both worked and it was my job to cook dinner each evening. I was responsible. I’m a middle child – somehow I saw myself as peacekeeper between my siblings. I was responsible. In my marriage, I was the breadwinner. I was responsible. I feel responsible, not just myself but for others.

I want to hear my ex tell me he forgives me for ending our marriage, that he understands why I felt I had no choice but I’m scared to ask him not only because he might not forgive me but because that would break the boundary I’ve set for our civil relationship. I don’t want to feel that dependency again.

I know this doesn’t make much sense because he played his part too. What his role was and what my role was are inseparable. I know this. I know I have to let it go. So why is it that I still have not forgiven myself?

Sheila’s advice was that only I can relieve myself of the feeling of responsibility of our marriage, after all  it was me who took that on. She suggested a 21-day affirmation practice. Every morning and every evening I’m to look at myself in a mirror, look at my eyes and say that I unconditionally accept myself and unconditionally forgive myself; the past is over, the future yet imagined, today is all there is.

I know I’m going to feel weird doing this, but I committed to doing this program 100 percent so I’m going to do it and do it sincerely. I know that experts say it takes 21 days for something to become a habit so I know the magic in the 21 days.

It also leads into the practice of what Sheila calls “intentionality” which is quietening your brain and just being in the present. For example, when I smile at someone, just to be conscious of smiling, not wondering what the other person is thinking.

In addition to my affirmations, I’m to practice being intentional in six areas: chores, conversation, work, eating, exercise and driving. Being intentional means doing the task using all my senses and I’m to stay as focused for as long as I can, which might only be a few minutes. I think all this is geared towards opening up and being more aware but I’ll find out at my next coaching session.

Until then … are you a responsible person? Do you/did you feel responsible for your marriage? What helped you to let go of that responsibility? Have you tried any affirmation work?

This week I’m running a giveaway for a copy of Love for Grown-Ups: The Garter Brides’ Guide to Marrying for Life When You’ve Already Got a Life by the Garter Brides. They promise to show you how to take a fresh approach to dating, stay open to the promise of grown-up love and have fun – whether the next date is Mr. Right or Mr. What-Was-I-Thinking?

To enter, leave a comment here or on my Facebook page. The more comments you leave, the more entries you get but no spam, please. The giveaway ends at midnight (Mountain Time) on Friday September 23, 2011. The winner must respond to my email notification within 48 hours and must have a U.S. mailing address.

Disclosure: Fit4Love has waived the fee for my participation in the Fit4Love program but Fit4Love has no editorial influence or rights over the posts I’m writing.

Photo Credit: davetoaster