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I wish my husband would die

March 30, 2010 By

Yesterday, I introduced you to Pippi (@runpippirun) who felt no chemistry in her marriage. She was very unhappy but wasn’t able to communicate that to her spouse because she was an “accommodater” – she was so good at putting on the happy face, she thinks she should have won an Oscar. Inside she was miserable and couldn’t see a way out. Here’s what she was thinking:

***

Car AccidentIt got to a point where I just couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life with him. At some point, I wished that he would die because I felt how am I going to get out of this marriage? There’s no way I’m going to be able to divorce him. Maybe he’ll be killed in a car accident.

I would fantasize about that  but I would feel such awful guilt thinking about it. I was a stay-at-home mom at the time and I had no means to leave the marriage. I created a fantasy world of what it would be like if I was not married to him but I just kept thinking, that’s never going to happen unless maybe if he were killed, if there were some type of accident. That would give me an out.

***

You do read about wives who plot to kill their husbands and vice versa. Sometimes, they go through with the murder. It’s hard for me to understand what would drive someone to commit murder unless abuse is involved.  You always imagine it to be a very extreme situation or some mental illness involved. So when you hear a regular person like Pippi, say she wished her husband would die, it can be shocking.

It might be shocking but I’m guessing it’s not uncommon. It’s shocking because we don’t talk about it and we don’t talk about it because we’re not supposed to wish someone dead, because we feel guilty thinking it. It’s not Christian, it’s immoral, it’s not part of our values.

In the months before my husband and I separated, there were many times I thought it would just be so much easier if he died in a car accident. I don’t think it was that I truly wanted him dead – I just didn’t want to have to confront the issue of wanting our marriage to be over. It would mean an end to the endless discussions we seemed to have each evening going over the same issues again and again. It would mean not having to wrangle over dividing our financial assets or a custody agreement. It would mean not having to tell the children. It would mean an end to this thing that was suffocating me.

It was a very superficial imagining because I never thought through any of the consequences such as how the children would feel. And sitting here today, it seems rather foolish and pathetic because the consequences of him dying would have been far, far worse than the divorce and would have created so much more hurt.

Pippi’s husband didn’t die and Pippi did find her way out … she knew that leaving would mean being prepared to support herself financially and that meant having to work outside the home…. I’ll be continuing Pippi’s story tomorrow but for now I’m leaving you with the Dixie Chicks singing Goodbye Earl ….

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Filed Under: The Divorce, The Divorce Catalyst
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  • http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse Liana

    I think the saddest part of the whole thing is that a great deal of her issues about leaving were financial. The idea of being stuck in a marriage for financial reasons (being unable to support oneself) is a terrible fallout of the choice to be a SAHP. I would never want to have to rely on someone else being what stands between me and fiscal disaster. How do we prepare our kids (mostly daughters) to avoid such income traps?

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/SinceMyDivorce SinceMyDivorce

      Very observant Liana and in tomorrow's post Pippi talks more about the financial issues. How do we prepare our kids? I remember my mom telling me "never be dependent on anyone" and she may have meant financially but I think my brain dropped that part and I was, to an extent, emotionally unavailable myself. This is quite a recent realization for me so I'm still sorting that one out and I don't know what to tell my 17 YO daughter. Thanks for visiting!

  • http://thedivorceencouragist.wordpress.com divorceencouragist

    The agony- for someone to feel so trapped that they almost wish for the death of their spouse! Gives new meaning to "a marriage shouldn't survive at the expense of its participants" I'm so glad she got out.

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  • http://intensedebate.com/people/SinceMyDivorce SinceMyDivorce

    Wishing your spouse was dead sounds awful but I don't think it's that uncommon and as I tried to say, I think it's more of a fantasy, a dream than a genuine desire. I also want point out that in our interview Pippi did say her ex is a wonderful father and that she didn't feel she was emotionally abused, rather it was a bad dynamic

  • nicole 86

    I wish i could write my answer in French. But, i will try in English. Yes, during many years, i have been dreaming to be a widow as the only possble escape. I am a teacher so money is not the main issue, but I feared to be the first one in my family to get divorced, I knew nobody would back me up. I could not even think about it.
    Two years ago my husband told me he wanted to break our marriage. I felt devastated because I knew what it meant : it was not a divorce , it was a repudiation. My parents keep asking how I managed not to be able to "keep" that wonderful husband. My daughters are adults and live far from me. I teach and in a small town where many places are forbidden because my ex is very well known and asked me to avoid where he is supposed to be.

    Yes, if i compare my situation to that of my ex mother in law wo is a widow, i am jealous. The family helps her, the friends phone. I am the one who failed and i feel rejected.

    Sorry for the mistakes, it's so hard to aknowledge that !

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/SinceMyDivorce SinceMyDivorce

      Hi Nicole 86 – thank you for commenting even when you have to do it English. I was just chatting to another lady who lives in a small town and said her divorce was difficult because everyone knew it was going on. Her parents were opposed and still are opposed to divorce. Are there places in town you'd like to visit but don't because of your ex? Are you feeling rejected because you've accepted the restrictions your husband has placed on you? What would happen if you went there anyway? Do you have a friend who would go with you? Don't you have as much right to go there as he does?

      I would encourage you not to think of yourself as having failed – you and your husband got married for good reasons and for whatever reasons, your relationship ran its course. Not having the support of your parents is hard but there are only two people who truly know what your marriage was like so don't let them judge you. You didn't fail. Be proud of yourself and what you are doing. You are your own person.

      Hopefully, Pippi's and the other stories here will inspire you.

  • Shari Hodges

    I just can’t resist. I used to lay in bed and stare at my ex husband and wish he was dead. Then I figured it was better to divorce him. He was an abusive drunk who drank up our savings, and later, he skipped out on support.

    This jerk got a job at the NSA in Washington DC, and of course, he had to lie on his security clearance. He also had to make sure that I never found out about it, or he would be in jail. I saw out here for 30 years never knowing he had a Federal job and Federal benefits for our daughter.

    This deadbeat spent his salary on his wife’s kids instead, just so he didn’t have to tell investigators he had skipped out on child support.

    When I found out, I picked up a phone, and I was going to say something like “well, thanks a lot” – but for some reason, I said “Aren’t you dead yet?”

    He sounded shocked, and he said “who is this?” I said, “This is your ex-wife, aren’t you dead yet?”

    He got all upset, then I said “well, you used to threaten to kill yourself if I ever left you, so I thought you would be dead by now.”

    He hung up the phone. Pretty funny stuff. ha ha ha ha ha ha

    The FBI actually came over to ask me about what I said. They couldn’t believe he was that dumb. he didn’t even get the joke. ha ha ha ha ha ha

    • Mandy

      I’m glad you can laugh at this now. Did he ever make good on the child support?

  • Anonymous

    I wish my husband would die every day. I am leaving him in August as I cannot take anymore.

    • Anonymous

      @JohnnaCal – feeling this way means it is absolutely time for to separate. Why August? Are you making your preparations now? Does your husband know?

      • Anonymous

        Yep preparing for taking back my life. I do not care if he knows or not. I moved to a foreign country for him only to be treated like cattle. I can taste the sweetness of stepping on the plane for the last time never to return.

  • JustWantOut

    I’m so interested in reading the next blog on this subject. I feel exactly like you as the blogger…simply suffocating and eager to find my way out. Thank you for writing.

  • Anonymous

    I am leaving my husband in three weeks. But I still wish he would die for all the things he did to cause me to want to leave.

    • Anonymous

      @JohnnaCal – My two cents – try to let go of the bitterness you have towards your soon-to-be-ex; it’ll be easier for you to move forward. Have courage. I hope leaving works out for you. I think you commented before and I think you’ve been working on this for sometime. Take care of yourself.

  • Casilu63

    I too, was getting ready to leave my husband. I told him I wanted to separate and he convinced me to stay and try a little longer. He has been verbally abusive, non-supportive and even mentioned divorce a few years ago, but quickly recanted when he realized how much he would lose when I wasn’t there to literally handle everything from keeping the house up to paying the bills, while he plays golf, computer games or goes fishing. Now, I am sorry that I just didn’t leave him when I wanted to. Although he has made some minor changes, like not playing online poker every minute he is home, he still makes back-handed remarks and small insults.We cannot have even the most simple conversation that he doesn’t dominate and make me feel stupid, therefore, I try to avoid conversations, just making small talk. I am not a young woman, I am 63 and we have been married for 30 years. I cannot imagine living like this for the rest of my life, so yes, I have wished that he would die, because I do not see any other way out of this marriage. Testing my feelings, I find that I do not love him the way I once did, to much has happened while I was trying to be the good Christian wife. There is no intimacy from him towards me, he does not touch me, but wants me to touch him only. I feel like I am living the life of a servant, not a wife. I totally understand Pippa’s feelings. I am glad she was able to get out of her marriage. I just wish I could, now I feel trapped.

    • Anonymous

      @casilu63 – If you can’t imagine living your life the way it is now for the rest of your life, it’s time to make some changes. Would your husband go to counseling with you? Does he realize how unhappy you are? What is stopping you from separating now? What is your greatest fear?

    • Lupita

      I also understand u I have been almost thur the sane things but now I’m trying not to think about those bad thoughts and trying my best to work out things with partner

      • http://sincemydivorce.com Mandy Walker

        @Lupita – it always worth the time and effort to try to work out the difficulties in your relationship although it’s not easy. I hope you have a good counselor. Best.

  • Being Me

    I’ve thought this too, many times but have never aired it.. life would be simpler.

    • http://sincemydivorce.com Mandy Walker

      It can certainly seem simpler than the conflict in divorce. Does it help to air it? Most people feel guilty about these feelings.

  • KacyDaugherty78

    Thanks for sending a picture of the spell to me, It looks like it took

    forever to do. I really appreciate you doing this for me even though I

    could only pay you —-. It was nice because I know you put much

    effort into this and you deserve much more than —– for all the work

    and time that was put into it. I don’t know what I could ever do to

    repay you..this is really important to me because I made a mistake

    and it could/should have been avoided and you are helping me get

    another chance to make things right. I want to say Thank you Thank

    you Thank you but really I know I owe you much more. You are a good

    person and all’s I can say is that I wish you all the best in everything

    that you do. You don’t know what you have done for me, not just this

    spell-that was a major part, but you also have opened up my eyes to a

    lot of things I have been overlooking for pretty much all my life.thank

    you (powerfulkumar@yahoo.com) I
    Thank you all, Everything you have done is and will always be greatly

    appreciated.
    Kacy Daugherty

  • RenascentRose

    I have been married for three long years, that seems to never have an ending. I got married at eighteen, and am soon to be twenty-two. I have a two year old son now. I married my husband two weeks after meeting him. A month into our marriage, the verbal abuse had already started on a non-stop basis. I left him several times, but had nowhere to turn, to live. So of course, after he begged and promised he’d change, I came back. And of course, he never changed…never did… Nothing. I grew up in an abusive household myself. I watched my step-dad beat on my mother, my siblings, and myself for years. She is still married to him til this day. I have nothing to do with any of my family, and am stuck in a state, an area, a life, without any way out. This time last year, Social Services intervened and took my child away. He was only 8 months old at the time. Everyone kept telling me, “the environment is not safe for your child, the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse, it’s affecting your child. If you would just leave we will give you your little boy back.” Of course, I never left my husband. But we got our child back three months ago. He will be 2 in February. I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing to fight for him, my marriage, and to get him back. There was a couple that wanted to adopt my little boy, but they had only been married as long as my husband and I. Plus, that was not my only reasoning. I loved my son. I wanted to raise him, to be there for him. But now, even three months after he is back in the home, everything dismissed. My husband is a cruel, dark hearted person. He stated in front of everyone on Thanksgiving, that he hates being a dad, hates being married. And cannot wait for his son to be eighteen so he doesn’t have to deal with him. The thing is, my husband doesn’t even take care of my little boy, at any given moment. I do everything. From 5am-7pm at night. I do everything. My husband is unemployed, and is thirty-one years old. He plays video games all night from 6pm-6am. He goes to bed every morning by the time I am getting up. And when he wakes up at night, there is only two hours before I go to bed, and he is already on the computer again, with barely anything to say to me. Obviously, the smart thing to do would be to leave. I’m too scared. Of change, the unknown, taking care of myself, being a single mother. I am so stressed out all the time, that its once again beginning to affect my son. And I feel helpless, like there is no way out. I myself am at home twenty four seven. My husband and I live in government housing and pay no rent. We have food stamps and WIC. Everything…but nothing. I want so much more in life. I know there is more, but I feel so buried in my hole, that I feel it’s too far to the top. I am not sure what to do anymore. But I want a way out.

    • http://sincemydivorce.com Mandy Walker

      Dear Guest,
      I would urge you to contact your local domestic violence/women’s shelter. They will be able to help you formulate a plan for leaving safely. I know you say you’re scared of taking care of yourself or being a single mother but honestly from how you describe your present situation, how would it be so different? I’m encouraged, excited to hear you say you want more in life and it may seem out of your reach but dramatic changes don’t ever happen overnight. They come with planning, thinking through and then just taking one step after another and that’s where the people at your local shelter should be able to help you. Have courage … *hugs*

  • shawn

    I have to say wholeheartedly I believe that is a very gifted individual and gentility his second nature. I have received the most rewarding and spiritual experience whilst conversing with him on the telephone. I heard and saw an angel in my minds-eye it was so overwhelming. I knew at that moment finally my difficulties were over. He deserves recognition for his powers and talents as a beautiful individual who brings spirit close to those in need. I have been touched deeply; nothing has come as close to me before. I am in total awe and have a great deal of respect. Thank you Antogai for reuniting me with my estranged husband.I will also advice anyone in need of help to contact him his Email: antogaispelltemple@yahoo.com

  • unknown

    thanks to the agentoftracelessdeath@gmail.com for the death of my father i am sorry my name is of no use but am happy to tell you that my father who felt he was untouchable after ruining my life and that of my mother finally die in the hands of agentoftracelessdeath@gmail.com whom i contracted two weeks ago now all my worries and troubles are over now i know that no matter what people say follow your heart when i contacted this agent my life was in pieces my friend told me he was the best that it was the same man that helped him killed his fiance who wanted to donate her in their occult world though i was skeptical then he ask me how i want him dead so i told him with spell cause i couldnt afford the face to face assassination so i paid for the spell and gave him a date when he should strike without missing words he delivered and knock the wicked man down now i know that freedom is good

  • angelica

    MY HUSBAND STEP MUM HATE HIM SO MUCH
    My man died 6 weeks ago after 12 month illness where he required increasing amounts of oxygen. I was told 6 months previously that he was about to die and we moved heaven and earth to get him home from hospital.
    My wonderful strong man carried on for 6 months despite what everyone said. I stopped work and we spent nights and days together mostly with me watching him almost suffocate to death every day. one day in September when there was no one else around I lay down beside him and fell asleep, when I woke up he had gone. I never believe that my husband death was natural..cos i know those that did not want his progress, every night and day i always cry i fill like killing my self because things where hard on my side, my husband family throw us out of the house me and my children where on the street begging for food and water..cos no money any more. one of my friend that i have not see for a very long time saw my on a street and she called my name, when i turn i was an old friend of mine, i explain every thing that happen she gave us accommodation and told me my husband death was not natural she told me i should not worry she is going to help me, will contact Dr Opingo who salve family problems i explain every thing about my husband to him and he said he will help me know about the death of my husband i was very happy that very day…cos i no something was behind my husband death and i see who is going to help me out, Dr ask me to send my husband picture, surname, and his name i did every thing immediately. After Dr Opingo have use the information i send him, two weeks later my husband step mum confess that she was the one that kill my husband through sickness…i am so happy i am free because the family believe that i kill my husband to take over the properties. thank you once again HELEN my best friend for introducing me to Dr Opingo you can contact his email if you still need his help alterofcandletemple@gmail.com

  • Rob

    You sick fucks! Fucking c**ts

  • Miserable trophy

    My husband is a lazy bastard. Trying to get me to throw my son out of my home not his. He brought over $80k in debt to the marriage and is now retired trying to be the boss of my home. I have no debt. I hope every day when the lazy ass gets outta bed that before I find him in my lazy boy dead. A shame since he spent so much time dedicated to the community saving others. Maybe he should have started at home.

    • http://sincemydivorce.com Mandy Walker

      So Miserable trophy … what’s keeping you in your marriage?

  • Miserable trophy

    Sick of lazy self serving men. When I was preparing myself for having something to offer a “real” man, apparently the real man was preparing to be the same ass he always was. Just some other chicks problem.

  • mavis

    WONDERFUL WORK OF Dr Okakagbe.

    i want to use this opportunity to tell Dr Okakagbe of love
    temple, that i am very grateful for helping me get
    back my lover’ after he abandoned me for good six months with pains and
    tears in my heart. i am Miss micheal wisdom sophie from united states.
    my husband before the break up usually insult and see nothing good in
    any
    thing i do, i felt as if i was cursed. my friends advised me to let go
    but i couldn’t because of the love i have for him. which was so strong
    and could even move ten mountains in a speed of light. after two days of
    my contact with Dr Okakagbe my husband came back with apologies
    and love that he had never show me before. right now he doesn’t insult
    me any more rather he tells me how pretty and wonderfully made i am by
    God each morning. (ACOGBESPELLTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM)
    one thing i love about Dr Okakagbe , is that he is so accommodating
    and free.you can still call Dr Okakagbe on his personal line at
    +2348156885231

  • Art

    Well, I think you should never wish any ones death how bad they may be. I am guilty of this and felt very bad. Sometimes anger over takes and you don’t use your commonsense and let the emotion take control, though in reality it’s you who has the control. My ex-wife did some very bad things to me and i sometimes can’t let go of the pain she caused. Though in time i come to realize its better to let the person live her life and respect each other. Well never wish someone death. I think if you have morale’s and a strong conscience you will feel bad wishing someones passing. It’s just not right. Life can be very difficult and sometimes we have to think clearly before we speak. Its difficult. Very.

    • http://sincemydivorce.com Mandy Walker

      @Art – I’m no longer surprised by the number of people who admit to thinking about the death of their spouse. I do know that if you are having these thoughts then your marriage is in serious trouble and it’s time to get competent help.

  • gracie

    It was when I started praying and hoping he would die, I realized, even though as a Christian I was not pro-divorce, that I had to end the marriage. I have other friends who have thought the same thing. Not so unusual I think.

    • http://sincemydivorce.com Mandy Walker

      Hi Gracie – I think you’re right – thoughts like this are not so unusual but people don’t talk about it. And yes, once you start thinking this, it’s definitely time to work on your relationship.

  • jenny

    “I don’t know how to thank you DR Ekaka, you truly came through for me when you with your love spell. I finally hit the lottery last month Friday thanks to your lottery spell and my man came back on Mother’s Day. When I opened that door, I felt like I could have fainted when I saw him holding a bouquet of roses and wishing me Happy Mother’s Day. I haven’t seen him in 5 months and you did that love spell 5days ago. That is fast!..We talked a while and he came clean and told me about the other woman and he broke up with her. He really wants us to be together and he told me how much he misses me and wants to be with me.. thank you for your help ekakaspelltemple@yahoo.com you are really the best.