It's wrong to stay married for the sake of the children

It’s wrong to stay married for the sake of the children

October 28, 2009 By Mandy

Kristen’s message for today’s post I think is the ultimate lesson from her uncle’s mantra for living:

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I guess I would say to people who are thinking about staying in a marriage because you have children, it’s the wrong thing to do. Ultimately you’ll look back on your life when your kids are grown up and you’ll say ‘why didn’t I put myself first, too?’

Kids don’t want to grow up in a house where there isn’t love. There’s love to them but there’s not love between the two parents and they sense it. Just because you’re not living under the same roof doesn’t mean you can’t be a good parent and you can’t be a loving parent and it can’t work out.

I think if people are thinking of staying in something for the sakes of their children, they ought to rethink it because life is really, really short and you’re only here for a certain number of years. Who wants to look back when they’re 65 or 70 and say, ‘Jeez, I wasted 40 years of my life with you. What was I thinking?’

Divorce is NOT easy; It’s extremely turbulent, it’s filled with paperwork, it’s overwhelming and it’s very emotional. However, people look back and say, ‘This is the BEST decision I ever made in my life.’ They’re genuinely happy and ultimately, the kids will be happy.

I think it’s all about finding happiness and true, true love that hits you deep down inside. Love is out there and you can find it.

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When I was contemplating divorce I did consider what it would be like staying in the marriage until our children were in college. That would have meant about another seven or eight years. I mentioned what I was thinking to a friend and she said that was what her parents did. When they eventually told her they were getting divorced and that they had stayed together because of her and her brother, she felt they had been lying to her all those years, pretending that their life was something it was not. Her advice was quite resoundingly ‘don’t do that to your children.’

I’m reminded too of the story that Evvy told – she ended her marriage after 42 years. Even though her children were adult and had long ago moved away, telling them the marriage was over was still the hardest part of the divorce.

If your parents divorced after you left home, how did that feel to you? Did you and your spouse decide to stay together for the children? Why? How’s that working?

http://tsquest.blogspot.com T

My parents did divorce after I left home and I felt angry at them. I too felt a bit of guilt that they stayed together because of us. I had already felt guilt that they married because mom was pregnant with me. It was obvious through most of my childhood that their marriage was turbulent. I knew they loved each other (and ironically continued to love and be best friends until my father passed away) but they were too young and didn’t know how to make it work. I witnessed many a fight and tons of tears.

My ex-husband and I did not stay together for the sake of the children. Though it seemed like a selfish thing to divorce back then, I am happy that my girls see both my ex and me much happier and see that we get along well. My parents’ continuing friendship was definitely an inspiration!
http://www.MyDivorceShower.com Heather-Marie

I think it is important to remember that children learn by “modeling.” Whatever you and your spouse do in the familial relationship will be modeled by the children as they learn and grow. Therefore, a dysfunctional couples’ patterns will, to a great extent, be imprinted on the children of the marriage. Although, the reasons for leaving a marriage with children may be varied and many – I count this as the biggest.

Thanks for the Blog Mandy.

Mandy

You make an excellent point about children modeling parents behavior. I know I tried to recreate for my children some of the ways my my Mum and Dad raised us – the activities we did, the Sunday dinner, the birthday celebrations, the Christmas celebrations. And I think it does also extend to how you and your spouse treat each other. Like T commented, it’s much healthier for children to see their parents living apart and treating each other with respect than living separately together.

Can’t wait to see your book Heather-Marie

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Kittymorg22

I need advice on how to cope with social family functions that require me to be in close proximity to my ex-husband and his wife whom he cheated on me with and the reason I initiated divorce. I have attended a housewarming for my son when he bought his first home & my daughter’s wedding, both of which I attended alone and pretty much felt alienated & like an outsider. It felt like his wife has slipped into my role to a large degree. I’m happy being single & independent and certain my decision was correct but in these situations Ifind myself not feeling confidant because I feel like a stranger in what used to be a very comfortable place for me. I will be attending my grandson’s first birthday party & sadly am having reservations about going. Family is so important to me & I understand this isn’t about me. I can put myself aside and focus on the reason we are celebrating without any problem but having so much trouble knowing how to feel more comfortable when I truly would rather not be in the same room or anywhere near my ex’s wife or even him for that matter. Any suggestions on how I can adapt more effectively in these necessary situations?

http://sincemydivorce.com Mandy Walker

@Kittymorg22 – it’s always painful when your husband cheats on you and when he ends up marrying the person, it’s even worse. You don’t say how long you’ve been divorced but time does definitely help especially when you’ve been able to create a rich and active life without your ex. As you already recognize, you and your ex and his present wife will be connected for years to come through your children and grandchildren. It’s important to you to be part of this family and so let me try asking this, what would it take for you to be comfortable? Are you looking for a particular conversation between yourself and your ex? Between your ex’s wife and you? Between you and your son and/or daughter? Are you feeling excluded in some way? What would it take to change that?

Are you feeling self-conscious about being single when everyone else at these events seems to be coupled?

It really is best if you can be at these events but maybe not enough time has passed for you to have healed. As an alternative you could see if there’s a way for you to be part of the celebrations but maybe be there when your ex is not?

Please do post your question in my Community .. I’m trying to get that going and I’m sure some of my readers would have valuable suggestions for you.