I “met” LA Single Mama through her blog, which unfortunately, she’s taken down because of privacy concerns. I don’t know the nature of those concerns and I think it’s a cautionary note about maintaining that line between public and private persona. I’m disappointed because I’d enjoyed reading her posts and obviously it means I can’t link you to any of her posts. Anyway, LA Single Mama had referred to her ex on her blog as a narcissist and she’d written about the challenges of living with him. Knowing this, when I chatted with her over the phone, I asked how her relationship with her ex was now. As with many relationships, time and distance make a difference. Here’s what she said.
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For the first year or two, the relationship between my ex and me was very touchy. Now, I would say it’s good but it’s good because truthfully, I put up with a lot of crap. We are still friends and I think I’m a big support for him, more so than he is for me. I am very accommodating because I WANT us to get along and I WANT us to be a good partnership for my son. There are some things I wouldn’t want to have deal with but I do, for the sake of my son.
People have commented on my ex and me. Our son is seven now, so he’s been in school for a couple of years. There are parents there who realized just this past weekend that we’re divorced because we do attend all the functions together. I would say from the outside, we don’t look that much different from any of the married parents because we do do all these things with our son together.
Going to the school events doesn’t feel strange or awkward at this point because we’ve done it for so long. Also, I’m not hurt that we’re not together and I don’t love him anymore. Neither one of us has unresolved feelings so it’s almost like attending with your friend. We’re both in other relationships and I think that probably makes a difference too.
My ex still has his tantrums but it’s easier for me to tolerate them because I’m not living with him. It’s not my responsibility any longer. He’s gotten to the place where he doesn’t try to push me so see what I’m going to do and that’s helpful. But I’m not living with him and I can go home and it’s over. When I lived with him, if he had an episode, it could go on FOREVER. He could be complaining and bitching and screaming for days.
I loved him at one point and we’ve been together in one capacity or another for a long time now. I still care about him and I want the best for him. I want him to be happy, for himself and also because I want him to be able to be a good father for our son and for the most part he is.
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“It’s not my responsibility any longer.” This one sentence really stands out to me. My ex is an appalling timekeeper. I would say he’s late for everything and invariably thinks he has a good reason for being late. I’m the opposite and I think the two are like oil and water. When we were married, I felt responsible for ensuring he’d be places on time. I’m not sure why I took that responsibility on – he didn’t ask me to but I wonder if it’s a universal trait for us time sticklers???
Since we’ve been divorced, I no longer feel compelled to take that responsibility and that has been so liberating. He’s still late but it’s like water off a duck’s back to me. I can go to parent-teacher conferences and if he isn’t there after five or ten minutes of our agreed time, we start without him. I can go to my son’s concerts and if he doesn’t show up, it doesn’t matter to me. The kids schedule is on Google calendar and it’s up to him to check it – I don’t remind him – that’s now Google’s job 
The only downside to this is I do worry about the impact on the kids. It’s less of an issue with my high school junior – there are just fewer events we NEED to be at. It does still impact our son though. So I am very careful not to comment on the tardiness other than, “I expect he got held up,” or something and my son, who is very forgiving, usually says, “I understand, that’s OK.” And for important performances such as a karate belt test or a band concert, my son usually gives his Dad a reminder call ahead of time now.
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I believe stories have the power to change the world, opening us up to new possibilities and compassion for our fellow beings.
I believe by sharing our divorce stories we can help each other, make the process of ending your marriage less traumatic for others, create a greater acceptance for divorce and most importantly do our very best for our children.
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