Comments on: No longer responsible for your ex

By: SinceMyDivorce

SinceMyDivorce — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 05:00:53 +0000

I do absolutely see your struggle. There's been many times when I've held back from commenting about my ex's behavior. So many times I've wanted to say, "Yeah, well there's a reason why we're divorced." My daughter is 17 and she sees more now and when she raises it, like him being in an odd mood, it gives me a chance to talk to her about why he might be like that and how she can handle it. My son isn't there yet.

By: Vivianne

Vivianne — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 16:32:28 +0000

Thank you for comment in return! As curious as I am, I make it a point not to question them when they communicate with their father. I don't want them to feel divided any further, or feel they need to choose sides. They reveal my ex's comments in their own time, and I remind them that it is not nice to talk badly about others. I make it general so it doesn't sound like I'm berating their father. But I stress that it is not a good thing to do. They inevitably ask "why does Dad say these things?" My response is, "he is just confused and angry, not at you, but with me." Sometimes there are more questions, which makes it difficult because I never know how much I should or should not say. It is a fine line. Nonetheless, I don't stoop to his level by saying negative things about him, but also try to remember I have to raise these children as respectable human beings with the right morals, and should not excuse bad behavior. See my struggle?

By: SinceMyDivorce

SinceMyDivorce — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 14:59:15 +0000

Hi Vivianne – happy to hear from a fellow LA Single Mama reader. Let's hope she's reading this and knows she's missed. It sounds like you have a difficult situation to deal with. It's so hard to make the good advice when you have your ex working against you. How have handled your ex talking badly about you to the kids? What do you say to them?

By: Vivianne

Vivianne — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 14:23:53 +0000

I used to communicate with LA Single Mama also and I am so sad I can't read her posts anymore! I hope she comes back very soon. I'm thrilled to have found your blog though, because my divorce was quite hellacious. I was also married to a narccisist and my issues continue. I did everything I could to find some way to co-parent with my ex becasue I wanted my children to have an easier transition, but it has been fruitless. He talks badly about me and my new husband to them, he stopped paying support, he stopped seeing them for a while… it's been hell. I hope reading your blog and advice can help me cope.

By: SinceMyDivorce

SinceMyDivorce — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 16:00:15 +0000

It does make life easier

By: SinceMyDivorce

SinceMyDivorce — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 19:45:52 +0000

I think I put it into the "acknowledging what I can't change" category – accepting that it's just the way is would mean not getting annoyed about it, wouldn't it? Absolutely check out Google calendar – one of my girlfriends put me on to as my ex and I were separating. It's really been a lifesaver. Now my 17YO has it downloaded to her phone so she can be responsible for her appointments. Love it!

By: Jacque Small

Jacque Small — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 19:44:55 +0000

Good point "It is not my responsibility" and likely it never was your responsibility.

I know that I use to take responsibility for all sorts of things that were not my responsibility. Now I am practicing letting other take 100% responsibility for themselves in all my relationships. It makes life so much easier.

Jacque
http://www.workeasy4lifebalance.com

By: tsquest

tsquest — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 16:11:18 +0000

Yep, I totally understand this. My ex is not good with money at all. I took it on and paid off lots of debt. Now, you're correct, its SO liberating to not have to worry about that anymore.

I love the Google calendar idea. I'm going to have to look into that!