LA Single Mama was in her early thirties when she decided it was time to end her marriage of five years. With a one-year-old son to take care of, LA Single Mama says it was overwhelming at first but now she looks back and sees she’s much stronger than she thought. That strength didn’t happen overnight. Here’s LA Single Mama:
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It was very challenging to have to suddenly do everything on my own. I don’t have any family where I am and I’d basically been in a relationship all my life. I didn’t have any experience with children so I was very frightened in the beginning. I wasn’t sure I’d even be able to do it but we’re here and we’re alive.
I remember one night in particular where my son had gone to bed and I felt so overwhelmed and work was not going well, and I just sat down and cried and cried and cried. You know how a good cry is and when you’re all done you’re done and you feel so much more relaxed afterward? It just came to me – there’s no one else but you. You are going to have to do this. It’s either you or a disaster.
All my life there had always been somebody around to help me and suddenly there wasn’t. I think I fought that for a long time. I was upset and afraid. Then I realized I had a choice; I could let things completely fall apart or I could pull them together. I decided to pull them together. Once I’d made that choice I was a lot calmer and I was able to focus on what needed to get done and being able to do it.
I still feel a little overwhelmed by the idea that I’m the only one responsible. Even though my ex is very involved, I still think in the end, I’m the one who is ultimately responsible for the well-being of this child, making sure we have a place to live, that he eats and sleeps and everything is going smoothly. To be alone with a baby was daunting but I did it and at this point, we’re thriving.
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When I interview for this blog, I do typically ask “what do you regard as your greatest accomplishment since getting divorced?” And a number of ladies have answered like LA Single Mama, that they survived. Elise was one of them. She said she wasn’t going to let it take her down and that divorce is not as bad as cancer. Some apologize that “it’s not much” and I beg to differ with that – if you’ve never really lived on your own, it IS a big deal to be learning your way to independence and self-sufficiency while in the emotional throes of divorce. If you have a new born baby, it IS a big deal to be learning about parenting while becoming self-sufficient.
And crying is an important part of it all. I recently reviewed Susan Piver’s The Wisdom of a Broken Heart and she recommends embracing all those emotions so you can find out what’s really behind them. As Piver put it, if you make friends with those fears, they won’t be nearly so scary.
All that being said, I am not a big crier. I don’t know why that is. I do cry when people get hurt like when my daughter’s friend over-extended her knee at a gymnastics meet and they had to call the paramedics. I cried when my Dad died and when I had to tell the children their grandfather was gone. I cried when I realized I need to leave my marriage but I didn’t cry when I talked to my husband about it. I don’t like to cry in front of my children – I’m worried it will upset them too much and it seems so alarmist. Maybe that’s all my upbringing and British culture – not making a scene etc. Are you a crier? Do you cry in front of your children?
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I believe stories have the power to change the world, opening us up to new possibilities and compassion for our fellow beings.
I believe by sharing our divorce stories we can help each other, make the process of ending your marriage less traumatic for others, create a greater acceptance for divorce and most importantly do our very best for our children.
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