When divorce is not an option

Today I’d like to introduce you to Molly who writes the blog, Postcards from a Peaceful Divorce. Don’t be fooled by the blog title. Molly would be the first to tell you that her relationship with her ex while close is not conflict-free. However, it was the concept of a “Peaceful Divorce” that made me want to talk to her. It’s so different from what is generally portrayed and just as my last guest, Judy said, we open ourselves up to new possibilities when we share stories like this.

Molly was with her husband for thirteen years and they split up just over four years ago when their two children were aged five and three and Molly was forty.  Molly didn’t want a divorce, she still loved her husband and wanted desperately to hold on. Divorce was not an option. Here’s Molly:

[contemplate1] The love never died, so I just felt like we really loved each other. I hate to say this, but when we were in grad school, before we had kids, our relationship was really, really great. I think I held on to that vision of how much I loved him.

Also my parents have been married forty-nine years and to me, divorce was never an option, never even an option. Never something I would in a million years consider. I thought it was for people who gave up. It just wasn’t something I was willing to consider at all.

When he said,

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stop being angry. I can’t find a way to change our dynamic and I feel like I need to leave,”

my first response was,

“How could you do this to our family? How could you do this to me?”

I didn’t see it as having any possible positive aspect to it. I just was,

“No, this would be devastating to us on so many levels.”

I remember the month and a half he was living here and looking for apartments. That was a tough time and I kept coming up with new reasons why he should stay and he just kept saying,

“No, no, I have to do this. I have to do this.”

I also underestimated the amount of stress that the conflict in our marriage and the toll that it was taking on me. You sort of accept it day by day by day until you realize you’re carrying this big burden.

I also took it like “there’s not anything I can’t handle. I can do this. I can handle this stress” but once he left I realized how much better I felt. It was pretty instantaneous and that surprised me.

At some point pretty quickly after he left, I gave up the struggle and I said

“I can’t do this. He left, he swears that it’s not a trial separation, he says he’s gone. I’m feeling better, I need to just let it go and move on with my life.”

Once I started looking for the positive aspects of the divorce and seeing a few of them, it became more and more evident and magnified how many benefits there were.

[contemplate2]

Like Molly, I didn’t even consider divorce as an option for a number of years but once I started to believe that the dynamic between my husband and I was not going to change, it became clear to me that it was indeed an option and a very viable one at that. I can’t say that I wish I’d considered it sooner – I probably wouldn’t have been ready any earlier to accept that our marriage needed to end. However, I am surprised how easy it was for me to dismiss the idea without even knowing much about it. What I did know about divorce was based largely on media portrayals. So my advice to someone facing marital challenges today would be a balanced approached. Absolutely try marriage counseling but also talk to people about divorce and their experience.

The ending of my marriage involved nine months of discussions during which time we were still living together. Our discussions weren’t loud, angry shouting matches but they seemed to be long, draining, painful circuitous conversations each night over dinner. When my husband finally moved out, the relief was instant. The atmosphere in the house changed immediately and the stress in my shoulders dissolved. For the first time in a long time, I could come home and relax and just be.

Giveaway

There’s still time to enter the giveaway to win a copy of Judy Osborne’s book, Wisdom for Separated Parents . Here’s how to enter:

1. COMMENT: Leave a meaningful comment on any/all of the posts in this series on Judy before midnight (MST) on Thursday August 18, 2011. By meaningful, I mean some observation about her story or how you relate to it, for example.

2. SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe to the Since My Divorce RSS or Since My Divorce email and leave a comment saying you subscribe. If you’re an existing subscriber, you’ll still need to leave a comment stating that you’re a subscriber.

3. TWITTER: Follow Since My Divorce on Twitter and leave a comment saying you do.

4. FACEBOOK: Like Since My Divorce on Facebook and leave a comment saying you do.

I’ll use random.org to select the winner. Winner must respond within 48 hours to the request for the mailing address or another winner will be selected. The mailing address must be within the U.S.

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  • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com PostDivorceCoach

    Sometimes the hardest part is making the decision, but once you get there, it’s like a sigh of relief…then the healing can start.

    • Anonymous

      I agree and especially if you’ve been in the mindset where you can’t even consider divorce.

  • http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com TsQuest

    I love Molly! So happy that you’re featuring her here!

    • Anonymous

      Glad to hear it. I enjoyed interviewing her and I get a lot out of reading her blog. She really makes me think about how I’m interacting with my ex.

  • nicola

    A great article!:D

  • http://www.divorceutah.com/ DivorceUtah

    Really enjoyed reading the post. A good one indeed. 

  • Misha

    Little disappointed. Divorce IS never an option in the eyes of God and I was looking for a solution not a push in the wrong direction.

  • YRR

    Oh my! Three weeks ago, my husband blindsided me with the word “divorce” and I have been a complete wreck! He & I come from two different backgrounds…my parents were married about 40 yrs until my father passed aways..Divorce is not an option for me because I believe when you make a commitment with your spouse, you will do what it takes to stay married. I have been fighting to keep my marriage together only because the issue we have has never been fully dealt with..meaning we never attempted to attend counseling, as much as I pushed for it, but he never wanted to go. We get along well and love each other, but there is this one issue we have, which is he travels and we lost the “connection” we used to have. Therefore, I built so much resentment about it and didn’t realize it until I started seeing a therapist. He comes from a background that when you’re not happy, the solution is to just walk away versus fighting to stay together. Keep in mind, this is his 3rd marriage & my first..red flag there for me, but we had this love & passion. Once he started travelling, we lost it! I am constantly praying to GOD to get through this and hope to keep my marriage together, but it is in God’s plan.

    • http://sincemydivorce.com Mandy Walker

      @YRR – you have a difficult path ahead. There’s no way to keep a marriage together if your spouse has decided on divorce. Maybe you can discuss a separation and try to rejuvenate your relationship by dating during the separation. I still would strongly recommend that you seek legal advice to start evaluating your position if your husband moves ahead with your divorce. You might also try my ebook on Amazon – Untangling From Your Spouse: Preparing For Your Divorce http://www.sincemydivorce.com/untangling.

      I also offer divorce coaching and am happy to have a 30 minute New Beginnings phone consultation at no charge to see if it would be a good fit for you.